did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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