Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Randomize
