I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
there is glitter all over my balls
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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