There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
