Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Randomize
