My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
