i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
