I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
