I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
