I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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