Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
