Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
