Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
