This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
