New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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