Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
