You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
