Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I can text with my tongue
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
