when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
