genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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