I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Randomize
