i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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