I need to stop coming to work sober
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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