omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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