Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
