just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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