Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
