you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
