Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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