Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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