ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
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