took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
