yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
