I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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