Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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