Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
