I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
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