We're like a lot better than the average bears
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
