While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
