So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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