Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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