My entire life is one complicated drinking game
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
