I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
