I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
