I want to have your abortion
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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