My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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