we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
