Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
