so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
