3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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