don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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