Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
