I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
