it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
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