FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
