it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
